Wednesday, March 14, 2018

So you broke up? What now?

“Sangeet, I’m in love with someone else. I’ve always been in love with her, Kushal said quietly, I married you just because my parents wanted me to.”

The silence that followed was chilling.

The above lines have been excerpted from my fiction, ‘In Pursuit of a Lesser Offence,’ (Alchemy, 2014). The main female protagonist in the story is besotted by her husband and goes out of her way to be liked and accepted by him. However, the husband not only abuses her but also hides the fact that he’s been having an affair with a colleague in his office till the wife confronts him on one occasion. The book is an attempt to explore the changing phase of modern - day relationships and also studies whether the reasons given by couples, to get into a committed relationship, the right ones or are they nose - diving just because they’re in love or that’s what the society expects them to do.

Coming back to the excerpt I shared in the beginning, doesn’t it look like a scene from real life? And quite a common one at that. Probably the circumstances may vary. So what should we do when our heart breaks? Go silent? Get into depression? Stop living?

For a while, maybe yes. It is normal to grieve after a break - up. In fact, grief is a process and it goes through various stages from feeling extremely low, to blaming self, to anger and hoping and wishing that things would go back to how it was. It takes time to heal. And it takes a strong will. A determination and gumption to jump back to our original self again. It takes wisdom and compassion. To forgive and forget. To move on in life.

Here are a few things you can do:

Deal with the fact: This is the toughest part. To acknowledge that you have been dumped or have to part ways with your lover. It is important to distract yourself at this stage. Remember, your heart has got into the habit of a daily dose of love messages or coffee with the one and only. Break the habit.  Try and think of ways to keep yourself occupied. Stop stalking your ex. Also remember that it’s normal to cry or feel low. In fact, it is best to talk it out as much as possible. It helps.
Don’t give in to the temptation: of calling up your ex to clear misunderstandings or to accuse him further of how he has used you. You were in the relationship out of your own free will. No one forced you into it. It is no use blaming the other partner for the break up. It is important to shift the focus from him to yourself. Take good care of your health and surround yourself with supportive and cheerful company.
Build up your Self – Esteem: Now this is the most difficult but also the most vital thing to do after a break up. Your self – worth takes a hit and impacts all other areas of your life; be it work, interaction with your family or taking crucial decisions about your personal growth. The best way to building your self-confidence is to first wipe - off the pictures playing in your ‘mind screen’ over and over. Get rid of the negative thoughts, shun them as soon as they enter your mind. Reinforce the ‘I can and I will,’ attitude. Slowly, the old and painful pictures get blurred and new ones take their place.
Be brave and walk out: In case of an abusive relationship, despite knowing how things stand… if you still don’t want to break free, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Firstly, if someone loves you they will not think of harming or hurting you. Secondly, to think that you love someone more than your own self is a sham. You’re fooling yourself and unnecessarily giving all your power to your worthless partner. You need to do a reality check. As humans we all crave for love but that doesn’t give anyone the right to make us feel guilty and worthless for their problems in life and slowly destroy our sense of self - worth. We owe it to ourselves to put a stop to it.
Consult a Psychologist: This is the best piece of advice I can give you. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re confused or emotionally disturbed with regard to your break up or an extraordinary situation in your relationship; please do not hesitate to contact a professional. They will guide you the best.

Keep Smiling! Always. :)

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